Navigating Hesitation With Compassion

When it comes to early dementia planning, the earlier the conversation begins, the better. But what happens when not everyone is ready? Some family members avoid the subject out of fear, grief, or misunderstanding.

Others may not yet accept a loved one’s diagnosis. Involving reluctant family members in legacy and advance care planning is often challenging—but it’s possible, and deeply important.

As a dementia care expert, I’ve supported many families in finding a way forward. With empathy, patience, and the right tools, even hesitant relatives can come to see early planning not as a burden, but as a gift of connection, clarity, and healing.

Understanding Why Family Members May Resist

Reluctance often stems from:

• Denial about the diagnosis or its progression
• Fear of confronting mortality or loss
• Cultural taboos around discussing ageing, dementia, or death
• Guilt or regret from past dynamics
• Assumptions that early planning is only for crisis stages

Recognising these emotions with empathy is the first step to bridging the gap. Advance Care Planning Australia advocates for early, values-based conversations that honour the emotional dimensions of planning—especially within families.

Start With Values, Not Paperwork

Formal documents can feel intimidating. Instead, begin with meaningful conversations about values, goals, and shared memories.

Try prompts like:

• “What would Mum want us to remember most about her?”
• “Have you ever thought about the type of care you’d want if things changed?”
• “What’s something you’d want to pass on to your kids, even if you weren’t here?”

These questions shift the focus from task to connection—a key part of successful legacy planning.

Resources like Family Legacy Series provide conversation starters and prompts that ease loved ones into reflective dialogue.

Share Stories, Not Just Facts

Use personal experiences to humanise the process:

• Share a memory from a grandparent’s legacy letter
• Reflect on a friend who didn’t have a plan in place and how that affected their family
• Talk about the emotional benefits of storytelling for both the person with dementia and those who love them

One daughter I worked with recorded a short message from her mum about her childhood home. Sharing it with her hesitant brother opened a door—he was moved, not overwhelmed. He joined the next planning session willingly.

Make It a Gentle Invitation

Reluctant family members often need space, not pressure. Invite them to be involved with:

• One small task, like reviewing a memory photo or writing a caption
• Attending a story circle to listen and learn
• Watching a legacy video recorded by your loved one
• Receiving a message made just for them in a legacy vault

This gives them a sense of inclusion without confrontation.

Use Digital Tools That Simplify, Not Complicate

Family members may avoid planning due to assumptions about complexity. Tools like Evaheld allow:

• Simple uploads of voice notes, photos, or wishes
• Private sharing between selected recipients
• Secure access without legal or administrative overwhelm
• Gradual contributions to ethical wills or legacy collections

This format supports autonomy for your loved one while providing clarity for everyone else.

Acknowledge the Grief in Planning

Early legacy planning brings emotions to the surface—especially for those who feel they’re “saying goodbye too soon.” Let hesitant relatives know:

• Planning isn’t about giving up—it’s about leaning in
• Legacy tools can preserve laughter, wisdom, and joy
• There’s time to share stories, not just paperwork
• Honouring someone’s voice while they still have capacity is a lasting act of love

Using sensory memory boxes or curated playlists of meaningful songs can offer non-verbal ways to join in.

Encourage Moments of Connection, Not Just Planning

Invite reluctant family members to:

• Share a meal using a cherished family recipe
• Look through a photo album and reflect on past holidays
• Listen to a favourite story or piece of music
• Help record a voice message for grandchildren

These experiences often ease tension and remind everyone that legacy is about life, not just loss.

Highlight the Benefits of Planning for All Involved

Reluctant relatives may be more open when they see how planning:

• Reduces conflict in decision-making
• Eases emotional stress later
• Supports alignment with cultural, medical, or spiritual values
• Leaves meaningful gifts for future generations
• Helps guardians and power of attorneys act with clarity and confidence

Sharing these practical benefits makes planning feel supportive, not solemn.

Let Them Listen, Then Join

Not everyone will be ready to contribute immediately. Create space for loved ones to:

• Listen to existing legacy content
• Read reflections or ethical wills
• Ask questions in their own time
• Receive messages made just for them

Eventually, many find themselves wanting to participate—on their own terms.

In Summary

Involving reluctant family members in early planning takes patience, empathy, and a shift in approach.

Begin with stories, shared values, and moments of connection. Use gentle digital tools like Evaheld, invite conversation—not compliance—and honour their emotional readiness.

Legacy planning is about creating peace, not pressure. With the right approach, even the most hesitant hearts can open.